Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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