so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
