i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
