dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
