I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
