update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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