Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My ATM looks so different sober.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize