I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
