My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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