At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize