Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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