6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
