I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
