we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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