Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
