NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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