do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize