in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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