imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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