Nicole vs. Life
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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