So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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