OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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