I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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