i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
