That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize