i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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