woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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