This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
