I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
