Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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