I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
