About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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