I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
