i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize