this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
