Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I love you. Go after that dick
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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