I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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