can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
