Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
