If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
