she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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