I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone came in the potted fern
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
