I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
