I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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