she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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