I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
