You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize