Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
