I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
