If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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