I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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