6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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