the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
