I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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