She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
