You're my little dorito
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
