Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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