I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
