My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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