We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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