We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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