My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
