good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
